Switch Hitters

So I'm having dinner with some friends and the talk turned to sports. Anyway, up here in Nebraska, most people don't know anything about sports except football and cornhusking (which isn't even a sport). Well, I wasn't really paying attention but I heard a sentence that really irked me. My friend was trying to explain why something wasn't done in some sport by using a baseball comparison. He said something close to this.

".......it's about the same as a baseball player batting right, and then switching and batting left handed. It just doesn't happen. No one does it."

What?!!!!!! What crappy baseball team are you a fan of? Well, I just want everybody to know that the term is 'switch hitter' or 'switch hitting'. And a lot of people do it. I took a small survey of percentages of Major League Baseball active players that could switch hit with a sample of 10 randomly selected teams. I found that on a team's active roster, out of the average number of 18 fielders (fielders, not pitchers) an average of 2.5 of them could switch hit. That's almost 14%. Figuring how many of those fielders will play in one game and how many at-bats they will averaged I mathematically concluded another statistic. In an average MLB game, you will see 3 at-bats when the batter is batting from his originally non-dominate side (basically, a right handed batter that is batting left, or vice versa). Now I'm not as big into minor league ball, but I have been to a couple AA games and AAA games. And, I'd say that their percentage is probably no lower than 10%. And, figuring that switch hitting has to be taught at a young age (around 15,16,17yrs) I'd say that the high school percentage is fairly decent too. I guesstimate about 7% or 8%.

Essentially, the concept of batting both right and left is not an unusual feat. So if you wish to explain the extreme rarity of some sporting action, don't not use "switch hitting" as it's comparison. It is a common, acceptable, and encouraged practice.

Move over!

I know my last couple of post have been personal, which I don't like. But, no worries I'm getting back into my regular informative blogging atmosphere. So here we go.

Okay, so you walk into a large lecture room for a class that you've been in for about 8 weeks. And you know that while the lecture hall holds 200, there are only 100 in your class. So you never really have to sit next to someone you don't know because there's enough empty slots to leave buffer seats. Well that being said, ya know what really upsets me? When people in these classes sit in the very first seat when the entire row is empty. Wtf? Why can't you just move to the middle and sit there? Don't worry no one's going to sit next to you. But no. You have to sit right at the entrance to the row. So I have to walk over your backpack and your legs with out hitting you to get to an open seat. And it looks so awkward when I jump over your lazy ass. And then you give me that look that's like,"Hey why do have to inconvenience me by leaping over my seat?!" Well you know what? Maybe if you weren't such a douchebag and moved all the way to the center of the row like any decent person, we wouldn't have to be leaping and jumping over your dumb ass.

Special Thanks (and a poem)

So my birthday was today and it was great! I got free dinner and ice cream from a friend's parents. Anyway, I wanted to say thanks to all the people that wished me a happy birthday.

Carly
Mom
Zach
the woman who cut my hair
Patrick
Paul
Bobbi
Carly's dad
Carly's mom
Dad
Jake
Devin

Post 3/25/09 birthday greetings
Virginia
Stephanie
Keeley
Paul (2nd time)
Nick
Jon
Chris
John

I thank all who have loved me in their hearts,
With thanks and love from mine. Deep thanks to all
Who paused a little near the prison-wall
To hear my music in its louder parts
Ere they went onward, each one to the mart's
Or temple's occupation, beyond call.
But thou, who, in my voice's sink and fall
When the sob took it, thy divinest Art's
Own instrument didst drop down at thy foot
To hearken what I said between my tears, . . .
Instruct me how to thank thee! Oh, to shoot
My soul's full meaning into future years,
That they should lend it utterance, and salute
Love that endures, from Life that disappears!

-Thank You

20 Long Years (It's my birthday today!)

Well, it's my birthday today! I'm 20 years old. Wow! I've seen four presidents, watched four Spurs Championships, broken no bones, owned one car, and had sex with 20000 women. Wait, I think that last one is actually Wilt Chamberlain's accomplishment (or Paul Valentine's). Anyway, I've seen and done a lot. But I plan to do more, much more. Such as....

-perfect my left-handed layup
-lead a more productive fight against Cheadle
-convince Marshall Perryman that Texas is a great state
-live close to Paul Valentine for the rest of my life
-somehow get Devin Dauel to admit he's lost an argument
-pitch in the negro leagues
-throw a huge party and invite everyone I know (and don't hate)
-command a starship (condition: Paul must be the drunk navigator/security chief)
-fully eliminate the designated hitter from any baseball game I watch
-form a soul/R&B group
-be Bo Pelini's assistant coach

(if I'm missing something please notify me)

Anyway, I hope it's a good birthday but I'm not expecting anything because Wednesday is somewhat busy for me.

Note: Thanks to Carly for already wishing me "Happy Birthday", eleven minutes into the day. She beat you all.

Shotgun!!!!!!!!!!!! Hike!

Why do people "shotgun beers"? I don't understand why that way of getting the alcohol out of the can is preferred in any scenario. Not only can you get beer all over yourself and the floor but even more important you actually waste beer since it's in your clothes and on your floor now. I don't understand. "Beer bongs"? Yeah that's alright. It's not really my thing but you don't loose any alcohol and there's no mess if you finish it all. "Keg stands"? Sure, not my thing either, but it's pretty clean and it almost never spills any alcohol. But "shotgunning"?(It's called "keying a beer" in the eastern U.S. and "springing a beer" in western Canada.) Well, however you say it, it does not make any sense. Never have I been, nor can I ever imagine being, impressed with someone shotgunning a beer. Yeah, I don't think that conversation would ever take place. So why do people do it? how the hell should I know. If I had to guess I'd say it's a combination of alcoholism (not a disease, Reese!), desire for social interaction, a need for attention and acceptance (which they won't get from me), depression, anger issues, anti-automysophobia, or maybe they're just douchebags.
----
"Hey, that guy just chugged a beer!"
"Yeah, but that other guy just shotgunned a beer!"
"Oh, you're right! That other guy is way better. He drank less beer while getting a bunch of it on his shirt and on the floor! He's way cooler."
"Yep, I'm impressed."
----
Yeah, I don't think that conversation would ever take place. So why do people do it? How the hell should I know. If I had to guess I'd say it's a combination of alcoholism (not a disease, Reese!), desire for social interaction, a need for attention and acceptance (which they won't get from me), depression, anger issues, anti-automysophobia, or maybe they're just douchebags. But for some reason, I still love them.

I Left My Heart In China Grove

In my opinion Tony Bennett is the greatest living singer/entertainer/song writer in the world. There is no one that comes close. Michael McDonald is in a very distant second. After those two it's really a free for all between Nat King Cole, Marvin Gaye, Hall & Oats, Stevie Wonder, Karen Carpenter, Rupert Holmes, and Neil Diamond. Okay, I just pulled that list out of nowhere (Rupert Holmes?). But, I will stick by my two original statements. So, as my birthday is fast approaching I've given all of you some ideas. I'm thinking a surprise live concert by Tony Bennett in my living room, capped off by a Michael McDonald and Tony Bennett duet of "The Pina Colada Song". Yeah that would be one hell of a birthday. Of course, after that I would have no reason to live. Hmmmm? Maybe I should get that for my birthday. You know what, throw in a double cheeseburger, a glass coke, and it'll be worth it.

Damn you, Craig. Damn you!

Recently Craigslist.com came under scrutiny for allegedly having prostitution rings promoting there services on Craigslist.com. Apparently facilitation of prostitution became a key commodity in the "erotic services" department of the website. Horrible, if you ask me. I can't wait till the "erotic services" section is back to its old wholesome self. But, all joking aside, I am shocked, shocked to find out that this website has been soliciting sexual encounters and helping promote the lewd profession of prostitution for so long. Who knows how long Craigslist has been bringing people together in this filthy and shameful market. And this whole time they didn't think once to notify me! I'm a loyal user of the site and never was I aware that these resources were at my finger tips. If you ask me, it's poor marketing on Craig's part. I'm a jobless, moneyless, womanless, college male with nothing on the horizon, and who possesses no conceivable reason to get up in the morning, except for the off chance that I might be able to illegally purchase sexual favors that day. I'm their target audience! Why didn't I know?! I've lost all faith in Craigslist. If they can't run a website that makes it easy for me to purchase sex or sexual related goods, then they shouldn't be in business. But you know what, I'm just old fashion like that.

Humour Univeristy

So I hear there's this amazing website being created called Humour University. It's like collegehumor.com only much better. I happen to know the founder and he's a real stand up guy. You know, a real go getter. Let me tell you he's going places, and hopefully he'll take his good friend Cameron with him. Anyway, I'll keep you posted on this new amazing site. It's going to be AWESOME!

Fight Club Is Just A Movie, Okay?

I know almost everybody my age loves the movie "Fight Club" with Brad Pitt and Edward Norton. Now, I'm not saying I don't like it, in fact I think its a good movie. I don't think it's the greatest production of cinema to every be made, though. I don't "Fight Club" t-shirts, quote the movie all the time, say that it is an 'amazing movie' or 'awesome movie' whenever it even barely comes up in conversation. I don't try to live my life according to themes or action in the movie, I don't try and start my own fight clubs, and I don't own the DVD Directors Special addition of the movie which includes an actual bar of soap. I just like the movie.

However, there is one thing that I think would make it a much better film. Instead of trying to blowup credit card buildings and destroy the current financial network, I think they should have tried to blowup Facebook. Now there's a mission I can get behind. I hate how people don't have to interact personally anymore. Sometimes I think a person is awesome on Facebook but they suck in person, and vice versa. I hate thinking all I need to really know I can find by looking at a person's profile. But, you have to have a Facebook because if you don't, then you're really screwed because you're really out of the loop. Like for example, when people bitch about Facebook around you, you won't even know what they're talking about if you don't have your own Facebook, and then they'll hate you! I think I'm going to make a movie like 'Fight Club' but have it be with Facebook instead of Credit Card companies. I'll call it 'Type Club'! It will star Charlie Sheen instead of Edward Norton and Emilio Estevez instead of Brad Pitt. Martin Sheen will somehow have a small part as the infamous yet secretive Facebook emperor. Christopher Walken is his righthand man and his son and heir who he constantly abuses is William H. Macy. There is also a cameo by James Taylor. I don't know why.

Also, I hate how some people check their facebook every 20 seconds and other check it every 20 days. And forsome reason on Facebook it's not rude to not respond to people's messages or wall posts. If I had called you and spoken to you I garunteed you would have responded to me. Unless you are a mute. Facebook is the steroids of communication; it makes things easier for the user and only jerks who can't function properly in civilized society (and Cameron) use it.

Note: I have the same opinion about DDO (Dungeons & Dragons Online), but who plays that anymore? A bunch of losers! Am I right? All they do is play a crappier version of WOW so they can act like they're not as pathetic as them, when in reality they are much more pathetic.

Cosi FanTutte

(Don't take this one too seriously)

Women! Good God! They're something. Always with the whining and the crying and the "why can't guys be like this?" or "I want to be able to vote too" or "NO, don't touch me there, Jake!" Well, to be honest none of that really bothers me. But, I tell you what does, the idea that women are held to different standards in certain situations. I mean if a man cheats on his wife, then he's a 'no good dirty son of a bitch' (not that I disagree with that). But, if a woman cheats then it's because "her husband didn't know how to satisfy her emotional needs." Give me a break. She's a no good cheatin' whore. But, it's not a big deal. Life is like that, and in fact it's best described in Mozart's opera 'Cosi Fan Tutte' which loosely translates to 'Women are like that'. And they are. All righteous and good when they do right, but when they do wrong then there's always an excuse or for some reason the rules don't apply and it's okay. It's like if some guy girlfriend went to another college and she told you that her friend she met in Europe was coming to visit her. Sound okay, right? Well, at the last minute she tells you that her friend is a male and is spending the night in her room. Que! Ta loca, letting him stay in her room! That's just one example of ridiculousness. Would she be okay if he had his female European friend stay in his room. I hope so, but probably not.

I would complain more about how women are unfairly treating men, but I always remember the hundreds of years of patriarchal tyranny laid upon women unfairly. And to be honest I guess we owe them a little leeway. And even after we've reached some point where we are all relatively equal I still think women will justify their improper and irrational actions because .............. Cosi Fan Tutte.

My God! Spiders!

There's only one thing worse than spiders, and that's flying spiders. Have you ever thought about that? If you haven't, then don't! Once that thought enters you mind you will never feel safe again. Everywhere I go I'm looking over my shoulder now. Though, I suppose if, and when, the spiders gain flight there will be little I, or anyone, can do to stop them from destroying us all. So all we can do now is invest in prevention. I recommend we release some propaganda to the spider population convincing them that flying leads to erectile dysfunction. Or perhaps we should genetically manipulate the spiders natural predators so they can fly as well. Who is a spider's predator? I guess that would be the Orkin Man. Flying exterminators? I like it! We should give them atmosphere suits as well. But God help us if the spiders get a hold of the atmosphere suits, God help us all.