The Wedding Band?!

So news an the street is that there's this new cover/wedding band about to hit the scene. Several reports indicate that their name is "Zach and the Professors". However, there is no indication as to who "Zach" is. Sources say that the band focuses on music that can be traditionally played, and dance to, at weddings to everyone's enjoyment. With a focus on oldies rock, funk, soul, as well as a mixture of 80's ballads, and old standards (of course) band seems to be trying the age old wedding band theory of decent music abilities in every genre in order to succeed. The local music scene is cautious to embrace the band due to their lack of progression as a band to finally develop after several years of hesitation. But, it seems that everyone is waiting with great anticipation to hear these guys. Personally, I think they're the greatest thing to happen to music since the dotted quarter note.

IT'S GAME DAY!

Trying New Things

(This blog might seem pretty boring at first, but it picks up. At least I hope it does)

So for the first time in my life I ate a tuna fish sandwich. Well, I loved it! And although it took me a good half hour to make, I still think it was well worth it. And the best part is that I have enough for the next few days. Yeah! The only way this day could get better is if Bo Pelini threatened to hire me back after threatening to fire me. That or Michael McDonald asked me to be his duet partner.

"Takin' it to the streets!"
"Oh, we takin' it!"
"Takin' it to the streets!"
"Oh, we takin' it again....yeah"
"Takin' it to the streets!"
"We're on the street again?"

Okay so I'm not the greatest backup singer. But, I belong in the spot light, everyone knows that. Plus if I was going to sing a song with Michael McDonald it would have to be "What a Fool Believes".

(Sorry, that blog never picked up)

I'm Back!

So I've decided with my life changing attitude to pick my blog back up. (Though I don't know if that makes any sense, really). Anyway I guess I have to start with an apology to the millions of faithful readers who have been struggling with out my guidance. Well, fear not! For I have returned. And this time it's personal......, well not really. I don't care for blogs that are too personal. And if you've read my blog then you know that.

Item 1) Facebook!

I don't care for it. I prefer old fashion e-mail. E-mail gives the opportunity to communicate with someone accompanied with an almost absolute assurance that they will responded. This is unlike wall posting, tagging, or God forbid 'poking' (so gay!). But as pretty much everyone I know has facebook, I have to have it too. The only thing I really like about Facebook is that fact that Paul and I can create Anti-Secessionist groups on it. Yeah!

This brings me to .....

Item 2) Big disappointments

You know that feeling you get when you think things are going great and everything's going to be wonderful. Like when you meet a nice girl and wish to further your relationship with her because you think that she's a good catch. And then suddenly it happens! She's a secessionist! WTF! You've got to be kidding me. There are some things you just have are hard time dealing with. Now I can live with certain things in a woman. I won't mind too much if she's gullible, a bad singer, or even a republican. Hell, I could even live with her being a Yankees fan! But, a secessionist?! A Stars and Bars toting, Lincoln hating, Stone Wall "Fucking" Jackson loving, secessionist?!!!! Hell no! But, it doesn't matter really, because every other girl you've even considered being with was vastly better. In fact, in retrospect, they've all been extremely better.

Just remember, there's only two kinds of people I hate more than secessionists,
- people who don't respect other people's cultures
- and Klingons!(I can never forgive them for the death of my boy)

Item 3) Blogging opinions

One a scale of 3 to 17, how would you rate your excitement on me coming back to my blog. (with 8 being the most excited, and 15 being the least excited)

Also feel free to write-in a different answer.

And finally, this past weekend Bo Pelini threatened to fire me. Greatest Husker Game Ever! One of my friends at the game took the opportunity to document the event and she took a picture of Bo threatening to fire me! Pretty awesome!



Yep, that one's getting framed.

Crackers!

I found this awesome song after listening to it on the radio. It's even got a wicked guitar solo!Yeah!

Blade Runner

I used to really not like this movie, but every time I watch it, it gets better and better. Now I really like this movie. Everybody should watch this movie, and watch it more than once. Trust me the third time you watch you should begin to come around. You have to make sure you watch the Final Cut though. There are seven different versions of the film and some of them aren't as great.

Alex Rodriguez is batting .210 and his OBP is 369. Not that great if you ask me.

College World Series

The Arkansas Razorbacks should win the college world series if for no other reason then because they are horrible actors.

The Second Greatest Pitcher in the World

TOM (Mets) GLAVINE

The Greatest Pitcher in the World

TOM GLAVINE

Brian Ramhal

Okay, now I hate, and like, hippies about as much as the next guy. But, a few weeks ago a hippie, hipster, friend of mine told me this philosophical theory that he thought had a very good foundation. Before I weigh in, here's the theory.

So every person carries an energy force with them. It's not a scientific one built on atoms and quarks, but it's a soulful like entity. It is essentially their being and life-force. Now, people can take each other's energy away from them by.......................masturbating to them. That's why hookers and porn stars are so warn down. People have jacked off to them so much they've lost their energy.

What the fuck!!!? This is by far the most absurd theory I have ever heard. At least, it was the most absurd theory I had every heard until I started to really think about it. Then I realized that it was, in fact, the most absurd theory I had every heard. I mean it is laterally retarded. How could anyone seriously consider it to be philosophically sound? I can't believe there are people out there that believe such crazy shit. I mean Holocaust deniers are one thing, but this? I have more respect for frat guys who anal penetrate each other with vibrators. Well, actually I don't. (stay tuned to my next blog for the details on that!)

Anyway, this is just an example of how ridiculous some hippies can be.

Blogging

I'm just too busy to blog. I'll pick it up after this semester ends (around May 11).

Real Sports

You know what's not a sport? Swimming.

In my mind sports are athletic competitions in which there is relatively an offense and defensive interacting. Now, I know that it takes an immense amount skill and ability to do some other activities, but that's how I define the word 'sport'. All other so called 'sports' I don't think are technically 'sports'. This includes, bowling, track & field, skying, golf, and others. Now, don't get me wrong! I love a lot of these. I love playing golf and bowling isn't too bad either. But, under a technical scope I don't categorize them as 'sports'. I think they are more 'competitive activities' in which to compete. You know, "Who can do this one thing better?".

Who can swim this pool length faster"

Who can finish this par 5 dogwood in the fewest strokes?"

Who can get the highest bowling score?"

But, I think basketball, baseball, and certainly football are much more complicated because the two teams interact with each other during play and have an equal effect on what occurs in the game and scoring of each team..

However, for the record, due the social forces and norms that now dictate what are sports, I have no problems with swimming, golf and those others mention being categorized as 'sports'. Those who compete in them are certainly talented and worked hard enough to get recognized on ESPN.

But then again, how is 'tire changing' or 'house building' or 'vodka drinking' not a sport?

(I suppose if Vodka drinking was a sport Paul Valentine would win every time and the whole sport would get very boring)

Twitter

Twitter? Why am I supposed to do this thing? Really? Why? I don't see any huge benefits. Do you? Not unless you're some kind of hipster, I suppose. According to Paul Valentine,"Twitter is only used by sports recruits, sports recruiting agents, and communists!" So, which one are you? Now, I don't like to jump to conclusions, but I'll take Mr. Valentines word over anyone's. Now it seems that on Twitter you tend to follow two types of 'Tweets" (that's the dumb name the gave people who use it). You can follow celebrities, and your friends. Well, when it comes to celebrities couldn't you just read the news? I mean if its anything important happens it will probably be on some celebrity new website within 15 minutes. So unless you're really interested in what kind of cheese omelet Shaq ordered for breakfast I don't think you really need to follow his twitter. And as for your friends, I mean, come on. This inter networking of social communication on the Internet is getting a little out of hand. I mean I do care about what my friends are doing but not to the point that I think I should be checking up on their "micro blog" every few hours. Doesn't feel good to actually run into a friend, in person, and find out what their up to? And you already know which people and friends are going to be using twitter and which ones aren't. So what, you can't communicate with friends that don't have twitter? You'll never be able to hang out with them because they don't have a 140 character sentence telling you and everyone else what their doing? Give me a break. We seemed to get by just find before. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to call them to see what's up. I'm even going to text them to see what's going on. I'll even go as far as to Facebook message them! But, twitter? No, that's where I draw the line. Anyway, I here this whole technology thing is on the decline. Yep, carrier pigeons! That's where the future is!

No More Manu

Yesterday, a friend told me some startling new. San Antonio Spurs shooting guard Manu Ginobili is out for the rest of the season as well as the playoffs. After sitting out for over a month due to a stress fracture in his ankle, Ginobili returned to the Spurs, only to play in a few games before straining his ankle again. So it is with a heavy heart and great reluctance that I say "the era of Ginobili is over."
Considered one of the greatest guards in the game, Ginobili spent seven years in the NBA all of them with the Spurs. The 57th draft pick overall he was later regarded as a one of the greatest draft steals of all time. Known for his aggressive style as well as his clutch play, Ginobili became and integral part of the Spurs lineup. He became a necessary sixth man to continue offensive play when the starters went out. Out of the seven years, Ginobili and the Spurs won three NBA championships. He is also the only player to win the Euroleague, an Olympic gold medal, and an NBA Championship, as well as being the second Latin American to be an NBA All-Star. At the age of 31 one it seems more likely than not that Ginobili will never be able to produce in the manner and consistency that he once did. He will be missed. And I'm sure numerous people will be wearing Ginobili costumes for many Halloweens to come.

Ginobili....................................FOR THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Warren Buffet + Tom Osborne) x Corn = Jobs

So the unemployment rate for last month when up in 49 states. Which state actually had a drop in its unemployment? Nebraska

http://money.cnn.com/2009/03/27/news/economy/state_unemployment/index.htm

Why was Nebraska the only state to be gaining jobs?

Theory 1: Well it's simple, Warren Buffet is considered to be one of the worlds successful investors and businessman. While Tom Osborne is considered one of the greatest college football coach (and three term congressman) in the twentieth century. Together they challenge unemployment to try and take their states jobs. But how can the basic consequences of an unregulated free market business cycle stand up against two of God's emissaries (It's in the Bible, look it up.)? You can't. Not if they control 1/4 of the countries corn supply; roughly 12% of the world's. Nope as long as there's corn to be husked and 'Bo Big Red' shirts to be sold, Nebraska's economy will thrive. Some even say that Tom Osborne can't be killed, that is blood is made of pure success. It's a good thing I cut my wrists last week and got a blood transfusion from him.

Theory 2: Inhabitants of Nebraska leave at the first chance they get. The only thing holding them there is a job. So, as soon as they loose that, they're gone. And along with them goes their unemployment statistic.

Theory 3: Bo Pelini's job is the only job that counts.

Opening Day - Sunday April 5

On Sunday, Major League Baseball begin it's regular season. This 162 game period graces our presence every spring, summer and fall with exuberance and joy. Baseball's timeless institute that we so desperately need now. With our country is economic and political despair, and with the entire American population realizing that Barack Obama is neither a terrorist, nor the son of God sent down to us as a savior, where can we turn? When because of no more oil, what do we watch? Who do we cheer for when basketball turns into game for only superhumans like Lebron, Kobe, and Ginobili, full unimaginable dunks and layups that can't be done on the public court down the street? When the entire game of football is played by only the biggest, strongest, and fastest who can now single handily play all the positions, then what do we do? When soccer is.................ah...............when soccer..................when soccer starts....................when it starts to be ......................dominated by hordes of wild bears who play in regional bracket systems and have no sympathy for electing a world champion! Then what?! Well, we'll always have baseball. A sport where you don't need to be the strongest man alive (despite what Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez told you), where no one needs to be shirts or skins, where you can't run out the clock, where if you succeed 3 out of 10 times you're considered a good player, where you can use 'ghost runners' if you don't have enough players, and where you're wife won't mind you getting excited over someone else's curves.
Some people say it's boring, I say they're communist. You must try and enjoy the finer points and occurrences of the game. There is no more smoothing sound than that of a ball hitting a bat right in the sweet spot. Nor is there more a angelic image than a swung on strike three, split-finger fastball. The skillful throw to second by the catcher on a 4th inning steal that lands in the perfect position for the field to make the tag creates an awe inspiring image. "OUT!" God, there is nothing like it.
Baseball is a game to be savored, not gulped. There's time to discuss everything between pitches and innings. Talk with your friends, reminisce, eat a hot dot, try to put the batter off his swing at the critical moment by neatly timed disparagements of his wife's fidelity and his mother's respectability. I enjoy the baseball season every year, and even more so when the Braves make the playoffs. But the game it self provides for a relaxing stimulant to help us in our lives that seem far too fast paced for our own good.

"The two most important things in life are good friends and a good bullpen."
-Jesus Christ 31 CE

Matt Damon vs. George Clooney

So a friend of mine who shaves probably once a year, also has some baldness in his family. So he, in defense of his own physical short comings that he will eventually have to suffer with, through no fault of his own, decided to make a particular statement to me.

"I would rather go bald than have to shave."


Well, America, do you consider yourself among those who share in the opinion of my esteemed colleague? I certainly don't. If I had to choose between shaving and going bald, I'm pretty sure I'd choose shaving. Which would you choose?

Unfortunately, we can't choose. So do go out and heckle some 'baldies', as I like to call them, for just being who they are. Simply sit back and realize that when you're 38 and shaving one morning before work, you can walk into your office and/or metting with a full luscious head of hair. Hair that no matter what, will stick with you and not desert you like baldie's hair will. Your hair has something his does not, Loyalty.

Switch Hitters

So I'm having dinner with some friends and the talk turned to sports. Anyway, up here in Nebraska, most people don't know anything about sports except football and cornhusking (which isn't even a sport). Well, I wasn't really paying attention but I heard a sentence that really irked me. My friend was trying to explain why something wasn't done in some sport by using a baseball comparison. He said something close to this.

".......it's about the same as a baseball player batting right, and then switching and batting left handed. It just doesn't happen. No one does it."

What?!!!!!! What crappy baseball team are you a fan of? Well, I just want everybody to know that the term is 'switch hitter' or 'switch hitting'. And a lot of people do it. I took a small survey of percentages of Major League Baseball active players that could switch hit with a sample of 10 randomly selected teams. I found that on a team's active roster, out of the average number of 18 fielders (fielders, not pitchers) an average of 2.5 of them could switch hit. That's almost 14%. Figuring how many of those fielders will play in one game and how many at-bats they will averaged I mathematically concluded another statistic. In an average MLB game, you will see 3 at-bats when the batter is batting from his originally non-dominate side (basically, a right handed batter that is batting left, or vice versa). Now I'm not as big into minor league ball, but I have been to a couple AA games and AAA games. And, I'd say that their percentage is probably no lower than 10%. And, figuring that switch hitting has to be taught at a young age (around 15,16,17yrs) I'd say that the high school percentage is fairly decent too. I guesstimate about 7% or 8%.

Essentially, the concept of batting both right and left is not an unusual feat. So if you wish to explain the extreme rarity of some sporting action, don't not use "switch hitting" as it's comparison. It is a common, acceptable, and encouraged practice.

Move over!

I know my last couple of post have been personal, which I don't like. But, no worries I'm getting back into my regular informative blogging atmosphere. So here we go.

Okay, so you walk into a large lecture room for a class that you've been in for about 8 weeks. And you know that while the lecture hall holds 200, there are only 100 in your class. So you never really have to sit next to someone you don't know because there's enough empty slots to leave buffer seats. Well that being said, ya know what really upsets me? When people in these classes sit in the very first seat when the entire row is empty. Wtf? Why can't you just move to the middle and sit there? Don't worry no one's going to sit next to you. But no. You have to sit right at the entrance to the row. So I have to walk over your backpack and your legs with out hitting you to get to an open seat. And it looks so awkward when I jump over your lazy ass. And then you give me that look that's like,"Hey why do have to inconvenience me by leaping over my seat?!" Well you know what? Maybe if you weren't such a douchebag and moved all the way to the center of the row like any decent person, we wouldn't have to be leaping and jumping over your dumb ass.

Special Thanks (and a poem)

So my birthday was today and it was great! I got free dinner and ice cream from a friend's parents. Anyway, I wanted to say thanks to all the people that wished me a happy birthday.

Carly
Mom
Zach
the woman who cut my hair
Patrick
Paul
Bobbi
Carly's dad
Carly's mom
Dad
Jake
Devin

Post 3/25/09 birthday greetings
Virginia
Stephanie
Keeley
Paul (2nd time)
Nick
Jon
Chris
John

I thank all who have loved me in their hearts,
With thanks and love from mine. Deep thanks to all
Who paused a little near the prison-wall
To hear my music in its louder parts
Ere they went onward, each one to the mart's
Or temple's occupation, beyond call.
But thou, who, in my voice's sink and fall
When the sob took it, thy divinest Art's
Own instrument didst drop down at thy foot
To hearken what I said between my tears, . . .
Instruct me how to thank thee! Oh, to shoot
My soul's full meaning into future years,
That they should lend it utterance, and salute
Love that endures, from Life that disappears!

-Thank You

20 Long Years (It's my birthday today!)

Well, it's my birthday today! I'm 20 years old. Wow! I've seen four presidents, watched four Spurs Championships, broken no bones, owned one car, and had sex with 20000 women. Wait, I think that last one is actually Wilt Chamberlain's accomplishment (or Paul Valentine's). Anyway, I've seen and done a lot. But I plan to do more, much more. Such as....

-perfect my left-handed layup
-lead a more productive fight against Cheadle
-convince Marshall Perryman that Texas is a great state
-live close to Paul Valentine for the rest of my life
-somehow get Devin Dauel to admit he's lost an argument
-pitch in the negro leagues
-throw a huge party and invite everyone I know (and don't hate)
-command a starship (condition: Paul must be the drunk navigator/security chief)
-fully eliminate the designated hitter from any baseball game I watch
-form a soul/R&B group
-be Bo Pelini's assistant coach

(if I'm missing something please notify me)

Anyway, I hope it's a good birthday but I'm not expecting anything because Wednesday is somewhat busy for me.

Note: Thanks to Carly for already wishing me "Happy Birthday", eleven minutes into the day. She beat you all.

Shotgun!!!!!!!!!!!! Hike!

Why do people "shotgun beers"? I don't understand why that way of getting the alcohol out of the can is preferred in any scenario. Not only can you get beer all over yourself and the floor but even more important you actually waste beer since it's in your clothes and on your floor now. I don't understand. "Beer bongs"? Yeah that's alright. It's not really my thing but you don't loose any alcohol and there's no mess if you finish it all. "Keg stands"? Sure, not my thing either, but it's pretty clean and it almost never spills any alcohol. But "shotgunning"?(It's called "keying a beer" in the eastern U.S. and "springing a beer" in western Canada.) Well, however you say it, it does not make any sense. Never have I been, nor can I ever imagine being, impressed with someone shotgunning a beer. Yeah, I don't think that conversation would ever take place. So why do people do it? how the hell should I know. If I had to guess I'd say it's a combination of alcoholism (not a disease, Reese!), desire for social interaction, a need for attention and acceptance (which they won't get from me), depression, anger issues, anti-automysophobia, or maybe they're just douchebags.
----
"Hey, that guy just chugged a beer!"
"Yeah, but that other guy just shotgunned a beer!"
"Oh, you're right! That other guy is way better. He drank less beer while getting a bunch of it on his shirt and on the floor! He's way cooler."
"Yep, I'm impressed."
----
Yeah, I don't think that conversation would ever take place. So why do people do it? How the hell should I know. If I had to guess I'd say it's a combination of alcoholism (not a disease, Reese!), desire for social interaction, a need for attention and acceptance (which they won't get from me), depression, anger issues, anti-automysophobia, or maybe they're just douchebags. But for some reason, I still love them.

I Left My Heart In China Grove

In my opinion Tony Bennett is the greatest living singer/entertainer/song writer in the world. There is no one that comes close. Michael McDonald is in a very distant second. After those two it's really a free for all between Nat King Cole, Marvin Gaye, Hall & Oats, Stevie Wonder, Karen Carpenter, Rupert Holmes, and Neil Diamond. Okay, I just pulled that list out of nowhere (Rupert Holmes?). But, I will stick by my two original statements. So, as my birthday is fast approaching I've given all of you some ideas. I'm thinking a surprise live concert by Tony Bennett in my living room, capped off by a Michael McDonald and Tony Bennett duet of "The Pina Colada Song". Yeah that would be one hell of a birthday. Of course, after that I would have no reason to live. Hmmmm? Maybe I should get that for my birthday. You know what, throw in a double cheeseburger, a glass coke, and it'll be worth it.

Damn you, Craig. Damn you!

Recently Craigslist.com came under scrutiny for allegedly having prostitution rings promoting there services on Craigslist.com. Apparently facilitation of prostitution became a key commodity in the "erotic services" department of the website. Horrible, if you ask me. I can't wait till the "erotic services" section is back to its old wholesome self. But, all joking aside, I am shocked, shocked to find out that this website has been soliciting sexual encounters and helping promote the lewd profession of prostitution for so long. Who knows how long Craigslist has been bringing people together in this filthy and shameful market. And this whole time they didn't think once to notify me! I'm a loyal user of the site and never was I aware that these resources were at my finger tips. If you ask me, it's poor marketing on Craig's part. I'm a jobless, moneyless, womanless, college male with nothing on the horizon, and who possesses no conceivable reason to get up in the morning, except for the off chance that I might be able to illegally purchase sexual favors that day. I'm their target audience! Why didn't I know?! I've lost all faith in Craigslist. If they can't run a website that makes it easy for me to purchase sex or sexual related goods, then they shouldn't be in business. But you know what, I'm just old fashion like that.

Humour Univeristy

So I hear there's this amazing website being created called Humour University. It's like collegehumor.com only much better. I happen to know the founder and he's a real stand up guy. You know, a real go getter. Let me tell you he's going places, and hopefully he'll take his good friend Cameron with him. Anyway, I'll keep you posted on this new amazing site. It's going to be AWESOME!

Fight Club Is Just A Movie, Okay?

I know almost everybody my age loves the movie "Fight Club" with Brad Pitt and Edward Norton. Now, I'm not saying I don't like it, in fact I think its a good movie. I don't think it's the greatest production of cinema to every be made, though. I don't "Fight Club" t-shirts, quote the movie all the time, say that it is an 'amazing movie' or 'awesome movie' whenever it even barely comes up in conversation. I don't try to live my life according to themes or action in the movie, I don't try and start my own fight clubs, and I don't own the DVD Directors Special addition of the movie which includes an actual bar of soap. I just like the movie.

However, there is one thing that I think would make it a much better film. Instead of trying to blowup credit card buildings and destroy the current financial network, I think they should have tried to blowup Facebook. Now there's a mission I can get behind. I hate how people don't have to interact personally anymore. Sometimes I think a person is awesome on Facebook but they suck in person, and vice versa. I hate thinking all I need to really know I can find by looking at a person's profile. But, you have to have a Facebook because if you don't, then you're really screwed because you're really out of the loop. Like for example, when people bitch about Facebook around you, you won't even know what they're talking about if you don't have your own Facebook, and then they'll hate you! I think I'm going to make a movie like 'Fight Club' but have it be with Facebook instead of Credit Card companies. I'll call it 'Type Club'! It will star Charlie Sheen instead of Edward Norton and Emilio Estevez instead of Brad Pitt. Martin Sheen will somehow have a small part as the infamous yet secretive Facebook emperor. Christopher Walken is his righthand man and his son and heir who he constantly abuses is William H. Macy. There is also a cameo by James Taylor. I don't know why.

Also, I hate how some people check their facebook every 20 seconds and other check it every 20 days. And forsome reason on Facebook it's not rude to not respond to people's messages or wall posts. If I had called you and spoken to you I garunteed you would have responded to me. Unless you are a mute. Facebook is the steroids of communication; it makes things easier for the user and only jerks who can't function properly in civilized society (and Cameron) use it.

Note: I have the same opinion about DDO (Dungeons & Dragons Online), but who plays that anymore? A bunch of losers! Am I right? All they do is play a crappier version of WOW so they can act like they're not as pathetic as them, when in reality they are much more pathetic.

Cosi FanTutte

(Don't take this one too seriously)

Women! Good God! They're something. Always with the whining and the crying and the "why can't guys be like this?" or "I want to be able to vote too" or "NO, don't touch me there, Jake!" Well, to be honest none of that really bothers me. But, I tell you what does, the idea that women are held to different standards in certain situations. I mean if a man cheats on his wife, then he's a 'no good dirty son of a bitch' (not that I disagree with that). But, if a woman cheats then it's because "her husband didn't know how to satisfy her emotional needs." Give me a break. She's a no good cheatin' whore. But, it's not a big deal. Life is like that, and in fact it's best described in Mozart's opera 'Cosi Fan Tutte' which loosely translates to 'Women are like that'. And they are. All righteous and good when they do right, but when they do wrong then there's always an excuse or for some reason the rules don't apply and it's okay. It's like if some guy girlfriend went to another college and she told you that her friend she met in Europe was coming to visit her. Sound okay, right? Well, at the last minute she tells you that her friend is a male and is spending the night in her room. Que! Ta loca, letting him stay in her room! That's just one example of ridiculousness. Would she be okay if he had his female European friend stay in his room. I hope so, but probably not.

I would complain more about how women are unfairly treating men, but I always remember the hundreds of years of patriarchal tyranny laid upon women unfairly. And to be honest I guess we owe them a little leeway. And even after we've reached some point where we are all relatively equal I still think women will justify their improper and irrational actions because .............. Cosi Fan Tutte.

My God! Spiders!

There's only one thing worse than spiders, and that's flying spiders. Have you ever thought about that? If you haven't, then don't! Once that thought enters you mind you will never feel safe again. Everywhere I go I'm looking over my shoulder now. Though, I suppose if, and when, the spiders gain flight there will be little I, or anyone, can do to stop them from destroying us all. So all we can do now is invest in prevention. I recommend we release some propaganda to the spider population convincing them that flying leads to erectile dysfunction. Or perhaps we should genetically manipulate the spiders natural predators so they can fly as well. Who is a spider's predator? I guess that would be the Orkin Man. Flying exterminators? I like it! We should give them atmosphere suits as well. But God help us if the spiders get a hold of the atmosphere suits, God help us all.

Hey Lego, WTF?!

So apparently Lego has decided to make a cannon that looks exactly like the cannons that I used to play with except is actually fires. What the Hell?! It took'em 20 years to figure out how awesome that would be. If feel extremely left out since I'm no longer in the prime Lego age. But, if you think that that will stop me from buying Legos, you are incorrect. And it certainly won't stop Jon. Actually, Jon just wants more space Legos, he doesn't care about this new awesome cannon. Jon's just too much of an engineer and thinks like one too. He really thinks he's better than us non-engineers, with his two paged resume and his paid internships. Well, all I have to say to that is this. If you put all the famous, historic, and world changing figures from the Earth's past in one room. I bet you $3,792.42 that most of them are not engineers. So take that!

Another thing, why the Hell are Legos so over priced. One hundred small pieces of colored plastic cost $50. That's absurd. Why hasn't someone challenged Lego in that market? I know there's 'Mega Blocks' but they suck. You've got to hand it to the Dutch, they know how to scam. They know we love Legos and there's no way we'll stop loving them. I think I'll create my own brand of building plastic pieces (maybe I'll call them Pregos) and I'll lace them with PCP. You know, angle dust, pow, snap, father winter, white lady, oompa loompa. That way the kids won't stop buying it even after they've grown up and been arrested for driving under the influence of Pregos. It's bullet proof.

5 vs. 5

Basketball is a team sport! (unless it's 'one on one') Use your teammates, you freakin' people! Past it around, set screens, feed it to the big man in the middle and post up. Stop taking wild three pointers and driving to the hole with no set ups. You're not Lebron James. It you can't stand playing team sports then stick to tennis and golf. (Two sports I also enjoy playing) Maybe I'm more upset about this than most people. But when I want to play basketball I want the win as a team, it feels much better that way.

All you can eat Buffet

Why is it that Jimmy Buffet is not more famous? Sure he's ironically known for Margaritas and Cheeseburgers, but no one really loves him. Well, I do. And to prove it I promise to eat a cheeseburger or drink a Margarita once a day. I think the world would be a better place if at all treaty and peace negotiations margaritas and cheeseburgers were served non-stop to all the delegates.